According to Sigmund Freud, Regression is the adult’s behavioural and psychological relapse into an earlier state of their life, lasting approximately from the first to the seventh year of their childhood. Freud proposed that it is a defence mechanism, aimed at avoiding the hardship and adversity of adulthood. Jung, in what is representative of his alternative approach, argued that it is an inevitability, in order to obtain what is needed. Without going into much, unnecessary, further detail on psychoanalytic and analytical psychology (pointers for further study and exploration will, however, be provided, throughout the text as well as in the bibliography), this article will provide a link between the phenomena of Regression and manipulation. By the end, readers will acquire a basic capacity to recognise or suspect regressive behaviours and impulses in themselves and in others; and may also find themselves in a position to increase their influence and/or resist manipulation.
Humans undergo a prolonged period of helplessness, longer than any other species. We are 1 before we can hardly walk (aided), 2 before we can hardly talk (sort of), 5, before we can hardly feed ourselves (with food provided), 8 before we can hardly wash ourselves (roughly), 18 (at best) before we can hardly declare independence (whatever this might mean)…the long list goes on; and on occasion, may well expand into adulthood, late adulthood even. We enter intimate relations (not just sexual, close relations include friendships, business partnerships, mentorships and more) for two fundamental reasons:
First, in order to heal our primary trauma: We hope that others, the idealised others, as we long to experience them, will provide us with the unconditional love, care and consideration that our parents failed to provide us with; even if that has to do with the fact, that at some point we discovered that our mother “belonged” to our father (in the case of boys) or that our father “belonged” to our mother (in the case of girls). Trauma can be as natural, inevitable and simple as that. It does not have to be mistreatment, abandonment and absence (Please search for the Oedipus (Freud) and Electra (Jung) complexes, for more information).
We also enter relations, in order to repeat our trauma (the trauma of not having the perfect parents that will shower us with dedication or “loyalty” even) and verify that our precaution, and suspiciousness, our Distance Regulation (Please see V. Antonas, Coaching for Impact, for more information) have been rightly placed high and mighty. This is a natural tendency: To steer towards the familiar, however damaging it might be and to powerlessly replicate it. Since trauma, resides in the unconscious, without benefiting from a sense of time or space, it is readily available to reexperience at any given point, in what is a effectively a Transferential Displacement. (Please seek more knowledge by exploring general theory on transference and countertransference)
Whether a self-fulfilling prophecy or the mere fact that no one is perfect, the latter appears to be a more easily attainable “victory” than the former. Mastering the capacity to accept others with their limitations (as well as ourselves) is key to ceasing both, our narcissistic drives (i.e. the attempt to redesign a “childhood” with an idealised “parent”) as well as our self-defeating drives (i.e. our natural tendency to repeat and maintain our trauma and the safe distancing it brings with it). Such pursuits are, mostly inappropriate to the present and representative of our regressive, needs, fears, desires and physiognomies.
In my view, (amongst others) fundamental expressions of regression include helplessness, senselessness, impulsiveness and entitlement. In other words, the basic ways that a child uses to interact and extract or even blackmail support and attention; whether it’s for the purpose of manipulation or the purpose of survival. From time to time, adults will exhibit similar characteristics. In some cases, these will be sporadically circumstantial and on others these will be characterological; in which case, they will also be indicative and symptomatic of the childhood period, during which they experienced their primary trauma. (Please refer to Freud’s stages of development: Oral, Anal, Phallic, Latency and Genital, which will support you in further identifying and understanding specific, regressive characteristics for yourself and those around you).
Characterological, regressive, qualities, will present themselves through persistent, repetitive and permanent behavioural patterns called Fixations. Being in a position to comprehend the fixations of those around us, enables us to position ourselves accordingly and therefore evade manipulation or perhaps support them in overcoming them, if we are in that way inclined or if we practice psychotherapy for a living; since the child’s tendency is to feel unreservedly entitled and to therefore expect that others are obliged to satisfy their needs before anything else. This narcissistic tendency, can be battled by setting limits and refusing to place yourself in a position that will encourage and maintain the other person’s regressive, manipulating behaviour. Needless to say, recognising, comprehending and managing our own regressive fixations, will enable us to ascertain control of our self and our life. A competent psychotherapist or a psychologically trained and experienced coach, are, indisputably, the definitive choice, in the pursuit of self-awareness, individuation and self-determination. It is extremely arduous, laborious and time consuming to take a clear look at ourselves, without outside help. And even when executed with dedication and determination, it is barely adequate.
Eric Berne, a psychiatrist who based a large part of his work on Sigmund Freud, coined a theory called Transactional Analysis. It comprises a rather straight forward and fairly simple model, proposing that all people interact from one of three specific Ego states: Parent, Adult and Child. And that depending on individual characters as well as the dyadic relation’s, particular chemistry, people will establish a mode of conduct, that will link one person’s prevalent Ego state with the other’s. For instance, if a person initiates contact from a Child position (i.e. regressive Ego State) then the other person may choose to respond like a Parent, for example by scolding, pacifying or accommodating them; they may choose to occupy the Adult position, for example by setting boundaries and inviting the other person to also enter Adult mode, in order to collaborate as equals. Or they may respond by, also, entering Child mode, for example by initiating a “competition” with regards to, which of the two will secure more unilateral love, care and attention. Correspondingly, if, for any reason, a person enters a relation from a Parent position (i.e. a figure of care and/or authority), this can invite the other person to respond as a Parent, for example by entering a competition, with regards to who will lead with more undisputed control, as an Adult, by setting boundaries that prohibit the other person from “parenting” them, or as a Child, for example, by becoming obedient, dependent, helpless and potentially manipulative. (You may want to explore Freud’s Psychic Apparatus, the Ego, Superego and Id for a more sophisticated approach on the topic)
Despite the fact, that, theoretically , an adult-to-adult arrangement is ideal, it is vital, to underline, that interactional variations, occur daily between friends, lovers, business associates etc and unless they are established, unproductive, stale exchanges, they do not fall within a pathological spectrum. Lovers, for instance, will frequently rotate Parent and Child roles, as a natural and necessary part of the relation’s dynamic, in order to maintain their libidinal effervescence or sexual tension, for that matter.
Having hinted at how entering a regressive state, can, more usually unconsciously, form part of a manipulating approach and character, it is also worth examining how the opposite, usually more conscious position, can be equally controlling. In the same way that some people survive and thrive though an assumed Child position, others maintain a Parent position, which does not only provide them with more protection and more independence (though such relations, involve sado-masochistic elements and therefore both parties involved are engaged in a symbiotically, dependent interchange); it also places them in an assumed position of authority, in relation to the other; who in their turn, may respond to the Parent position, by, conveniently, throwing themselves into a regressive, child position, even if that predisposition, has, in the past, been dormant. The Parental figure, symbolically yet conveniently, though the “authorised” projection, assumes the role of the actual parent, generating, equally, confusion and relief to their counterpart, who is now seeking to heal their primary trauma, through the surrogate mother or father. “Parents”, will use force, pleasure, deception and other approaches to seduce the “Child” (who in their turn will use helplessness, obedience, irrationality and dependence to control the “Parent”). Accountability (the art of assuming responsibility for successfully achieving assigned or unassigned objectives, thus increasing your influence) and Deliberation (the art of aligning your actions and behaviour with your objectives) are the two primary practises that the proficient and dexterous “Parent” will employ to ascertain jurisdiction (Please see Antonas, Coaching for Impact, the PRAID model, for Accountability, Influence and Deliberation).
These are dangerous games and more often than not, they are neither sustainable, nor constructive in the end. However, and regardless of what they might be, it is always best to have options and choices, powered by intelligence, insight, information and knowledge. As Stephen Covey said “I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions”.
Now, make yours.
Vassilis Antonas
Antonas V.: Coaching for Impact
Berne E.: Games People Play
Casement P.: On Learning from the Patient
Covey S.: 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Freud S.: A General Introduction to Psychoanalysis
Freud S.: The Ego and the Id
Freud S.: The Future of an Illusion
Greene R.: Art of Seduction
Jung C.G.: The Practice of Psychotherapy
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