The Quarantine. A Time of Leaders.

The quarantine. We are now heading into the second month. The Greek Society has demonstrated exemplary discipline and managed to provide our frail infrastructure, with the time needed to respond to this crisis. In the meantime, leaders are continuously collecting and exchanging information and planning their next steps. It won’t be as easy as some people think. Unless herd immunity is achieved, either through an effective vaccine (and this has been known to take at least a year of clinical trials, in order to be deemed relatively safe) or simply because the majority of the population develops antibodies (which effectively means that almost everyone has caught the virus), this will be a long process. Not to mention probable mutations, which render this situation even more unpredictable.

The Greek prime minister was fairly clear, a few days ago: “2021 will be a year of hard recession. However, in 2022, economic development will even our losses.”. The journal “Science”, (April 14^th, 2020) hosts predictions from Harvard Professors, indicating that social distancing, will need to continue into 2022. I tend to agree with them. Even though measures will most likely be alleviated soon, this new reality is here to stay; and the same goes, even more so, for its impact and consequences on every level.

Despite the discipline and prudence shown, the people have been hit hard. Some harder than others. In addition to the collective, financial calamity, resulting from what is practically a country at stand still, individuals also have to confront themselves and their limitations. All one needs to do, is scroll down the social media and despite the abundant, customary Greek humour that makes light of the situation, it is easy to detect anguish between the lines. It’s the jokes about how everyone will become obese; the glim projections of poverty; the challenge of having to spend Greek Easter (a traditional opportunity for togetherness and celebration) without the usual joy and festivities; the fear that this may last forever. Make no mistake. It’s not easy out there. Many people are isolated, lonely, scared, helpless, powerless and vulnerable. Many people are sitting ducks.

And so, this is the finest hour for leaders to step up and stand out; the hour to take advantage of the space afforded to them and to withdraw to their psychological Head Quarters (without losing sight of the “battle field), in order to reunite with themselves and emerge even stronger from the storm. For themselves and for those they lead.

It is this time.

The guidelines that follow are loosely based on the PRAID model. (Antonas V., Coaching for Impact, 2017, Routledge). The model, (based on 20+ years of field research and practise) proposes that individuals that follow these 5 principles, will reign supreme: Pace, Resilience, Accountability, Influence and Deliberation.

1)     A Healthy Body, a Healthy Mind: We are physical, organic beings. The mind has immeasurable power but unless we are Stephen Hawking, our body needs to stand behind us. The extra time provided for us on this occasion, can be time dedicated to a fitness regime. It is easy to dig one out from the million available on the internet and still possible to utilise the great outdoors for a walk or a run. You don’t even need equipment. The same goes for our nutritional habits. There is no need to pile up those extra pounds. Invest time in planning and executing a balanced nutritional plan, that will combine well with your workout. Put your training and nutrition chart on two pieces of paper. Do something similar with your sleeping patterns, your alcohol consumption etc.  And follow them faithfully. A “tick” for success and an “X” for failure. No excuses. If you need a personal trainer or a nutritionist, who can meet with you on-line, contact me and I will put you in touch. There. All done with excuses now.

2)    Manage your Stress Levels: It’s not just that it makes you fat. Stress, distorts your sense of time, affects your decision making and amongst other things, limits your perception and processing power. Breath it out. In addition to a strong fitness regime, (which will release endorphins and support your brain naturally), meditation is another valuable ally. It’s easier than you think, and it does not require too much time. Again, if you can’t find what’s right for you, contact me. I will guide you in the right direction.

3)    Secure Down Time: It may seem obvious, however, without the natural compartmentalisation that our standard day brings, we may end up working without rest more than before; and eventually burning out. Allocate break times and make sure they involve pleasure and satisfaction. And, no, unless you are somewhat strange, reviewing the report you will be submitting the next day, one last time, is still considered work. If you are uncertain about what down time means, ask me. 

4)    Organise Yourself: Few things generate more mental and actual overhead than messiness and disorganisation. The vast majority of people, who state that they can only work within a jumbled context, are pretty much lying, because they have not yet found the discipline and method to organise themselves and their lives. Sort out your desktop, categorise your files, make your bed, tidy up your room. Stop using “creativity” as an excuse for chaos. Leaders do not generate chaos (unless this is directed at the enemy, in which case they should know how to execute it with uncompromising mastery). All those movies you have seen, where the frivolous anarchic bunch, manage to defeat the organised crew?  Guess what. It’s just a movie. Ask the opponents of the Spartans, the Macedonians and the Romans. They should have an answer for you. Don’t be wavered by the lack of external discipline factors. Self-discipline. (Goleman, D., Emotional Intelligence, 1995, Bantam Books). If you want to do away with excuses, I can help. 

5)    Balance Firefighting with Strategy: Most people, people in positions of power and influence in particular are inevitably inundated with Urgent and Important challenges at this moment (Covey, S., 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, 1989, Free Press). Once these are somewhat addressed and normalised, it is time to turn your attention to matters that are Important and Not Urgent. It is time to start preparing for the challenges and opportunities that tomorrow brings. Focus on your plans (Your A, your B and even your C) and align your actions, positions and decisions behind them. Be ready. For everything. Contact me if you need help. I will make sure you prepare with shrewdness.

6)    Leave the Clatter Behind and Live with Authenticity: This period provides us with excellent opportunity to assess what’s really important to us; to discover if the things and people we will be returning to, are the things and people we really want to include in our life; if they represent and support who we are and who we want to become. There has never been a better time to align with ourselves. If you don’t miss it and if it’s not an absolute necessity, it needn’t be there. Make an ascending list of what needs to stay, what needs to change and what needs to go.  Contact me to secure help with disposing. 

7)    Gather your Forces: No matter how talented or intelligent you are, you can’t go at it alone. This is the time to consolidate, by re-establishing contact with your existing allies and reaching out to new ones. Our relational capacity is the primary factor in exerting influence.

8)    Manage Information: Information is the second factor determining our influence. It can result from relating closely with others thus gaining access to privileged intelligence, but it also comes from researching, reading, sharpening new skills and homing in on existing ones and overall securing data. Information is power and decision-making ought to be informed by it. Grant yourself access. I am available to help you master your influence strategy.

9)    Keep it to Yourself: Treacherous, deceitful imposters keep things to themselves. So do Leaders. The two are not to be confused. The former do so indefinitely (or until they are caught) in order to protect themselves. The latter do so selectively and choose when, what and with whom to share, for everyone’s interest. It’s a question of intention and character. There is no need to involve others in every step of the way.  Too many cooks, spoil the broth. Have confidence in yourself, your choices and your process. This may generate distress for those around you. If you have established a positive track record, they will need to trust you. If they don’t, this says more about them than it does about you. You will speak when you are ready. The same goes for receiving feedback. If you need it, you will ask for it. The pseudo-democratic process of inclusion is, more often than not, a copout from accountability. And leaders ought to be confidently accountable, especially during tough times. If you are unsure whether your so-called team spirit is simply an alibi, find me. I will help you answer the question.

10) Don’t Confuse Fearful Reaction with Decisiveness: In times of crisis and challenge, the sense of time is distorted. Things appear to be out of control, and we tend to resort to unproductive, familiar patterns and reactive impulsion. It’s one thing to be able to apply quick decision making when inevitable (and we had better be prompt and willing for immediate execution when necessary) and another to be enslaved to our fears and insecurities. Impulsive and reactive decision making, is like shooting at the enemy, before they are into range. Collect as much information (emotional and other) before making decisions. The opportunity cost of standing by, is more usually than not, meagre. Instead of pacifying them with answers, give people space to show their true colours. Beat the grass to startle the snakes. Unsettle them.  Our inability to postpone gratification and relief, often forces us to resort to fear. This, more usually than not, makes for conflict and loss. Be decisive, not decisively stupid. 

11) Metabolise Adversity and Search for Meaning: Things happen for a reason. And even if they don’t, you need to make one up. You need to be in a position to find out how adversity is in fact the opportunity to evolve to the next stage. Leaders need to do this, for themselves as well as for those they serve and protect. Some call it inspiration. I call it leading by example. 

 We are what we do every day. Even on days like these.

One life. Lead well.

This is Impact.

Vassilis Antonas

Antonas V., Coaching for Impact, 2017, Routledge

Goleman, D., Emotional Intelligence, 1995, Bantam Books

Covey, S., 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, 1989, Free Press

Green, R. The 48 laws of Power, 1998, Viking Press

Manipulation and Regression: A Beginner’s Guide

According to Sigmund Freud, Regression is the adult’s behavioural and psychological relapse into an earlier state of their life, lasting approximately from the first to the seventh year of their childhood. Freud proposed that it is a defence mechanism, aimed at avoiding the hardship and adversity of adulthood. Jung, in what is representative of his alternative approach, argued that it is an inevitability, in order to obtain what is needed. Without going into much, unnecessary, further detail on psychoanalytic and analytical psychology (pointers for further study and exploration will, however, be provided, throughout the text as well as in the bibliography), this article will provide a link between the phenomena of Regression and manipulation. By the end, readers will acquire a basic capacity to recognise or suspect regressive behaviours and impulses in themselves and in others; and may also find themselves in a position to increase their influence and/or resist manipulation.

Humans undergo a prolonged period of helplessness, longer than any other species. We are 1 before we can hardly walk (aided), 2 before we can hardly talk (sort of), 5, before we can hardly feed ourselves (with food provided), 8 before we can hardly wash ourselves (roughly), 18 (at best) before we can hardly declare independence (whatever this might mean)…the long list goes on; and on occasion, may well expand into adulthood, late adulthood even. We enter intimate relations (not just sexual, close relations include friendships, business partnerships, mentorships and more) for two fundamental reasons: 

First, in order to heal our primary trauma: We hope that others, the idealised others, as we long to experience them, will provide us with the unconditional love, care and consideration that our parents failed to provide us with; even if that has to do with the fact, that at some point we discovered that our mother “belonged” to our father (in the case of boys) or that our father “belonged” to our mother (in the case of girls). Trauma can be as natural, inevitable and simple as that. It does not have to be mistreatment, abandonment and absence (Please search for the Oedipus (Freud) and Electra (Jung) complexes, for more information).

We also enter relations, in order to repeat our trauma (the trauma of not having the perfect parents that will shower us with dedication or “loyalty” even) and verify that our precaution, and suspiciousness, our Distance Regulation (Please see V. Antonas, Coaching for Impact, for more information) have been rightly placed high and mighty. This is a natural tendency: To steer towards the familiar, however damaging it might be and to powerlessly replicate it. Since trauma, resides in the unconscious, without benefiting from a sense of time or space, it is readily available to reexperience at any given point, in what is a effectively a Transferential Displacement. (Please seek more knowledge by exploring general theory on transference and countertransference)

Whether a self-fulfilling prophecy or the mere fact that no one is perfect, the latter appears to be a more easily attainable “victory” than the former. Mastering the capacity to accept others with their limitations (as well as ourselves) is key to ceasing both, our narcissistic drives (i.e. the attempt to redesign a “childhood” with an idealised “parent”) as well as our self-defeating drives (i.e. our natural tendency to repeat and maintain our trauma and the safe distancing it brings with it). Such pursuits are, mostly inappropriate to the present and representative of our regressive, needs, fears, desires and physiognomies.  

In my view, (amongst others) fundamental expressions of regression include helplessness, senselessness, impulsiveness and entitlement. In other words, the basic ways that a child uses to interact and extract or even blackmail support and attention; whether it’s for the purpose of manipulation or the purpose of survival. From time to time, adults will exhibit similar characteristics. In some cases, these will be sporadically circumstantial and on others these will be characterological; in which case, they will also be indicative and symptomatic of the childhood period, during which they experienced their primary trauma. (Please refer to Freud’s stages of development: Oral, Anal, Phallic, Latency and Genital, which will support you in further identifying and understanding specific, regressive characteristics for yourself and those around you). 

Characterological, regressive, qualities, will present themselves through persistent, repetitive and permanent behavioural patterns called Fixations. Being in a position to comprehend the fixations of those around us, enables us to position ourselves accordingly and therefore evade manipulation or perhaps support them in overcoming them, if we are in that way inclined or if we practice psychotherapy for a living; since the child’s tendency is to feel unreservedly entitled and to therefore expect that others are obliged to satisfy their needs before anything else. This narcissistic tendency, can be battled by setting limits and refusing to place yourself in a position that will encourage and maintain the other person’s regressive, manipulating behaviour. Needless to say, recognising, comprehending and managing our own regressive fixations, will enable us to ascertain control of our self and our life. A competent psychotherapist or a psychologically trained and experienced coach, are, indisputably, the definitive choice, in the pursuit of self-awareness, individuation and self-determination. It is extremely arduous, laborious and time consuming to take a clear look at ourselves, without outside help. And even when executed with dedication and determination, it is barely adequate.

Eric Berne, a psychiatrist who based a large part of his work on Sigmund Freud, coined a theory called Transactional Analysis. It comprises a rather straight forward and fairly simple model, proposing that all people interact from one of three specific Ego states: Parent, Adult and Child. And that depending on individual characters as well as the dyadic relation’s, particular chemistry, people will establish a mode of conduct, that will link one person’s prevalent Ego state with the other’s. For instance, if a person initiates contact from a Child position (i.e. regressive Ego State) then the other person may choose to respond like a Parent, for example by scolding, pacifying or accommodating them; they may choose to occupy the Adult position, for example by setting boundaries and inviting the other person to also enter Adult mode, in order to collaborate as equals. Or they may respond by, also, entering Child mode, for example by initiating a “competition” with regards to, which of the two will secure more unilateral love, care and attention. Correspondingly, if, for any reason, a person enters a relation from a Parent position (i.e. a figure of care and/or authority), this can invite the other person to respond as a Parent, for example by entering a competition, with regards to who will lead with more undisputed control, as an Adult, by setting boundaries that prohibit the other person from “parenting” them, or as a Child, for example, by becoming obedient, dependent, helpless and potentially manipulative. (You may want to explore Freud’s Psychic Apparatus, the Ego, Superego and Id for a more sophisticated approach on the topic)

Despite the fact, that, theoretically , an adult-to-adult arrangement is ideal, it is vital, to underline, that interactional variations, occur daily between friends, lovers, business associates etc and unless they are established, unproductive, stale exchanges, they do not fall within a pathological spectrum. Lovers, for instance, will frequently rotate Parent and Child roles, as a natural and necessary part of the relation’s dynamic, in order to maintain their libidinal effervescence or sexual tension, for that matter.

Having hinted at how entering a regressive state, can, more usually unconsciously, form part of a manipulating approach and character, it is also worth examining how the opposite, usually more conscious position, can be equally controlling. In the same way that some people survive and thrive though an assumed Child position, others maintain a Parent position, which does not only provide them with more protection and more independence (though such relations, involve sado-masochistic elements and therefore both parties involved are engaged in a symbiotically, dependent interchange); it also places them in an assumed position of authority, in relation to the other; who in their turn, may respond to the Parent position, by, conveniently, throwing themselves into a regressive, child position, even if that predisposition, has, in the past, been dormant. The Parental figure, symbolically yet conveniently, though the “authorised” projection, assumes the role of the actual parent, generating, equally, confusion and relief to their counterpart, who is now seeking to heal their primary trauma, through the surrogate mother or father. “Parents”, will use force, pleasure, deception and other approaches to seduce the “Child” (who in their turn will use helplessness, obedience, irrationality and dependence to control the “Parent”). Accountability (the art of assuming responsibility for successfully achieving assigned or unassigned objectives, thus increasing your influence) and Deliberation (the art of aligning your actions and behaviour with your objectives) are the two primary practises that the proficient and dexterous “Parent” will employ to ascertain jurisdiction (Please see Antonas, Coaching for Impact, the PRAID model, for Accountability, Influence and Deliberation). 

These are dangerous games and more often than not, they are neither sustainable, nor constructive in the end. However, and regardless of what they might be, it is always best to have options and choices, powered by intelligence, insight, information and knowledge. As Stephen Covey said “I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions”. 

Now, make yours.

Vassilis Antonas

Antonas V.: Coaching for Impact

Berne E.: Games People Play

Casement P.: On Learning from the Patient

Covey S.: 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Freud S.: A General Introduction to Psychoanalysis

Freud S.: The Ego and the Id

Freud S.: The Future of an Illusion

Greene R.: Art of Seduction

Jung C.G.: The Practice of Psychotherapy